I came across an article recently titled “Never Date a Feminist: 12 Warning Signs for Young Men” and thought it was satire. It turns out it’s not satire, and the sweeping generalizations found within it are questionable at best. The site seems to be catering to conservative Christian men,* so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised about their suspicious attitude towards feminism.
I’ve written on Catholic feminism before; my post last time was quite general. This time I’d like to respond directly to the claims the author is making concerning feminism. The author states that if a woman you are interested in makes any of the following statements, turn away. My goal is to address the statement and challenge it as a “deal breaker” for a happy relationship. Enjoy:
- “I am a strong independent woman.” What do you mean by “independent?” I consider myself a strong independent woman, but that’s because I’m a) financially independent from my parents, b) can fix things on my own, and c) know how to get things done on my own. I don’t need anyone to provide for me, but I certainly need relationships with friends, family, and God. Being a strong, independent woman for me means that you can do things on your own. It doesn’t mean you always have to or want to, but you are capable of it.**
- “My career comes first.” To be honest, I don’t want to hear men or women saying this. If a man told me that, I’d turn away too. Having a career is obviously important and very fulfilling for both men and women, but I think that it’s a very American thing to obsess over one’s career, male or female. Careers are great, but from my perspective, family is more important. So if you’re a man and you expect your wife not to put her career first, you’d better be prepared to do the same. Both of you should have the same #1 priority, whether it be your careers, family, or some common cause.
- “I don’t want to be ‘just a mom.’“- this one I agree with. Being a mom is not a trivial task. Moms are AMAZING. There are plenty of women I know who stay at home with their children and it’s a beautiful thing. I don’t think there is a more important job in the world than being a parent. However, I do admit that being a stay at home mom isn’t for everyone – and that’s okay too! I think the real deal breaker here is whether or not a woman feels pressured to stay at home. For example, I want lots of kids, but I also want to work, not so much for financial reasons but because I LOVE what I do (being a theologian) and I feel very called to do that and have children. If I met a man who told me to stay at home, I’d be a bit frustrated with it. It’s one thing to be told what to do, and another to come to that decision together. I’m single now but if/when I have children I feel called to stay at home, then that’s what I’ll do. It’s not just one parent’s decision, however. When you’re married you’re a team, and decisions like this are made together.
- “I’m not a bra-burning Feminist, but I do think Feminism has been a good thing.” (This is akin to the argument: “Planned Parenthood does some good things so let’s not condemn it.”) – Feminism HAS been a good thing. There are crazies in every new movement. Without feminism, women wouldn’t have as much access to career, educational, and leadership opportunities. The world isn’t just made of men – women’s input matters too, and we really do need more women leaders out there. I admit very easily that some feminist thinkers have taken it too far, but that’s bound to happen in any big social change. We can absolutely condemn their actions and their consequences. As for Planned Parenthood, I’m all for defunding them! The idea behind PP – to provide reproductive health services for women – is a good one. Crisis pregnancy centers do a much better job at it than PP, however. Same with feminism. Just because you’ve experienced feminists that have taken it too far doesn’t mean the whole thing is bad – we just need a different approach to it. Besides, what I (and most other people, by the way) see as feminism is the movement to give women equal opportunities, rights, and pay as men. Last I checked, women are people too, so this seems like a very reasonable platform, don’t you think?
- She scorns films that aren’t Bechtel-Approved. – I actually had to look this up. Apparently the Bechdel test means that a movie must have a) two named women in it, b) they must talk to each other, and c) they must talk about something other than a man. This, I think, is where we run into radical feminism. For example, Saving Private Ryan is not Bechdel approved. I daresay it’s to be expected that a movie about soldiers in World War II (who were almost all men) wouldn’t have many women speaking in it, let alone to each other. Context, people, context. So this seems like a fair point, especially as some of the non-approved movies are war movies where there aren’t as many women (historically).
- She insists on paying her half of the tab. – I am one of those women that insists on paying my half of the tab. Would you like to know why? I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything. I don’t care if it’s a guy or a girl, but I don’t enjoy having people pick up my tab. In a relationship, I’d rather we give-and-take on paying for the tab. Each of us takes a turn. Anyway, one day if we are ever married it’s all coming out of the same bank account so I’d rather not wine and dine through his money by the time we wed. Sharing is caring.
- She looks down on courtesies that you provide, such as opening the door, driving, and paying, as insults. – I think it all depends on how you go about it. I don’t find any of these things insults – I think it’s just good manners to open the door for people around you. As far as driving? Who. Cares. Anyway I enjoy driving and I’d rather be behind the wheel since I have a pretty good sense of direction. As for paying, see #6. If you are truly in the company of a woman who is insulted by you opening the door for her, then it’s her issue. But you know, context. Don’t run ahead of me to open the door for me. I can open a door. But if you’re right there, then whatever. I’ll be opening the next door for you! 😉
- She advocates government policies that promote sterilization, Planned Parenthood, no-fault divorce, slut-walks, women’s reproductive rights, etc. – Woah now. Being a feminist does not automatically mean a woman is for any of those things. For me, being a feminist is being pro-woman, which does not necessarily mean pro-divorce, pro-Planned Parenthood, pro-choice, and the like. It means being for the things that give women full dignity and humanity. That means being for greater maternity benefits, greater funding for pregnancy resource centers, better support for working mothers, and any initiatives for respecting women across the board.
- Profuse profanity. Every Feminist I have ever met has been generous with profanity. They love dropping the f-bomb, in particular. I suspect Feminists believe that this is “empowering” or makes them “like one of the guys.” In reality, it’s ugly and degrading. – Which feminists have you been talking to? Like most people, I use a bit of profanity in my everyday life, but it’s quite contextual. I rarely use profanity when meeting people for the first time, in professional settings, or in academic settings. But I agree that profanity isn’t attractive for anyone. I don’t mind a bit of profanity here and there – sometimes it can actually be well used – but too much of it is frustrating. This goes for men as well as women.
- She shows annoyance around babies or small children. – I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to marry a man that had the same reaction to children, either. If you’re looking to get married and have children, I would suspect that your desired spouse – male or female – should probably enjoy being in the presence of children, or at least be okay with it. Some people aren’t very fond of others’ children but they ADORE their own. How about we include men? If a man shows annoyance around babies or small children, then women beware!
- She makes fun of her father by mocking him. – Again, WOAH NOW. This is unacceptable for both genders, and same goes for disrespecting mothers. I don’t want to be with a man who treats his parents with contempt or disrespects them. I think making fun of your dad has nothing to do with feminism and just the person being an asshole (there’s that profanity). I get that some people don’t get along with their parents – but there’s a difference between respectful disagreement and outright disrespect.
- She frequently uses the word “patriarchy,” but she is not referring to the bishops of Antioch, Moscow, or Constantinople. – Dude, the patriarchy is real. Really real. It’s not the focus of my existence, but there are definitely challenges to women’s equal rights in many places. Take it from someone who has dealt with sexism before – there are certain places that men dominate unfairly. That’s the patriarchy at work. I don’t live to bring down the patriarchy, but I do think it’s reasonable to want equal rights and opportunities for women.
So there you have it – my responses to the article. After the points, the author states the following: “Marriage lasts for decades and it is not always easy. Feminism at its core is anti-motherhood and anti-matrimony. If you want to avoid heartache, arguments, cuckoldry, a sexless marriage, and/or divorce, do not waste your heart on a Feminist. Look for feminine, not Feminist.”
The author deeply misunderstands feminism. My feminism is not anti-motherhood or anti-matrimony. Nor is it hell-bent on breaking hearts, causing arguments, cheating on my spouse, having a sexless marriage, or ending a marriage.
I’m pro-motherhood and pro-marriage! More benefits and opportunities for working moms! Greater support for working moms and maternity benefits! If women decide to get married, yay! If not, being single is okay too (Jesus was single, yo).
And goodness, just because I’m feminist doesn’t mean I will cheat on my spouse or not have sex with him. A) I condemn cheating and it’s caused by bad decision making, not feminism, and B) I look forward to a healthy sex life for lots of babies (wink wink).
A woman can be feminine and feminist at the same time. I love me some dresses and skirts, all that glitters, anything baby-related (those little outfits and shoes get me EVERY time), but that doesn’t mean I can’t also say EQUAL RIGHTS FOR WOMEN! It’s silly to assume a woman can’t be both.
So men of the world, if your lady friend tells you she’s feminist, ask her about it. Don’t just dismiss her, because chances are, she’s making the world a better place for herself, her sisters, future daughters, and friends.
*I read their “Who Are We?” page and from it, I’m guessing that they are primarily Catholic (see their love for Thomas), Republican, red-blooded Americans.
**Please note that by “capable” I mean naturally capable. Just because I CAN go to a sperm bank in order to have children doesn’t mean I should. Independence and prudence are two different things and you need them to work together.
theoghtful 